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JOKES
Oct 25, 2008 2:38:38 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Oct 25, 2008 2:38:38 GMT -5
HOW THE STOCK MARKET WORKS Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works. _________________ 'S'[/center]
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Nov 3, 2008 3:02:03 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Nov 3, 2008 3:02:03 GMT -5
(How to say) ~ "I Love You" ~ [in 10 languages] [/b][/size] English I Love You
Spanish Te Amo
French Je T'aime
German lch Liebe Dich
Japanese Ai Shite Imasu
Thai Phom rak khun
Italian Ti amo
Chinese Wo Ai Ni
Swedish Jag Alskar
And In Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, Tennessee, North Carolina, South Carolina, parts of Florida ;D "Nice Ass , Get in the truck" _______________ 'S'[/center][/color]
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Nov 11, 2008 14:06:42 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Nov 11, 2008 14:06:42 GMT -5
;D ~ The Importance of Walking ~
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, ...... just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine. ____________ __ 'S'
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Dec 7, 2008 22:40:13 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Dec 7, 2008 22:40:13 GMT -5
;D Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) US actor & comedian A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. Life is just a bowl of pits. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said,
Look .. Twins! ______________________ __ 'S' [/b]
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Jan 16, 2009 19:23:07 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Jan 16, 2009 19:23:07 GMT -5
__ 'S'
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Jan 18, 2009 23:50:56 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Jan 18, 2009 23:50:56 GMT -5
;D This is hilarious!!!
Remember this the next time you need to return something and they are giving you a hard time!!!!!!! A woman went to a WalMart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!".
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager .
In front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager comes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"
Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!! Now stop laughing and send this to your friends. _________________________________ 'S'
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Apr 5, 2009 11:05:42 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Apr 5, 2009 11:05:42 GMT -5
A crusty old MARINE Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature".
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said; "It looks like you have seen a lot of action".
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action".
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said;
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said;
"You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"Not since 1955, ma'am".
"Well there you are, it's no wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said; "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955".
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch; "I hope not; it's only 2130 now".
(Gotta love that military time!!!) ____________ __ 'S' [/center][/color]
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Apr 15, 2009 4:27:33 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Apr 15, 2009 4:27:33 GMT -5
"A TV Commercial that we won't see"__ 'S'
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Apr 24, 2009 21:49:11 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Apr 24, 2009 21:49:11 GMT -5
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Apr 28, 2009 10:42:47 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Apr 28, 2009 10:42:47 GMT -5
Jesus and the BurglarA burglar broke into a house and shined his flashlight around looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze.
When he heard nothing more he continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out he again heard: "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
Moses,' replied the bird.
Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
"The kind that would name a 'Rottweiler' Jesus", the parrot said.
_______________ __ 'S' [/b][/color][/center]
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Jun 9, 2009 0:36:51 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Jun 9, 2009 0:36:51 GMT -5
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace 'Expensive'.
So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started .... ____________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security Office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."
And then the fight started .... ____________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,"Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!", says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started .... ____________________
... I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST ...
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were, alongside the road, and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF !!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!" So, I looked down at him and laughingly said, "Well then, which one are you?"
And then the fight started ..... ____________________ __ 'S' [/color]
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Aug 6, 2009 7:47:42 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Aug 6, 2009 7:47:42 GMT -5
GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING THE OTHER DAY. I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT UNTIL THE COP LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT [/size][/b] One Sign You're Driving Too Fast ........__ 'S'[/center]
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Jan 23, 2010 14:35:22 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Jan 23, 2010 14:35:22 GMT -5
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater... If you give her sperm, she will give you a baby.. If you give her a house, she will give you a home.. If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal.. If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart.. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her..
So if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit ... ______ __ 'S'
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JOKES
Jul 11, 2010 14:49:23 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Jul 11, 2010 14:49:23 GMT -5
__ 'S'
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Jul 11, 2010 16:23:13 GMT -5
Post by kilgoretrout on Jul 11, 2010 16:23:13 GMT -5
This is actually a true story and the account of the investigation makes it even better...
The Dam
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Ly-coming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely, David L. Price District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then: and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU. RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
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Jul 15, 2010 21:55:57 GMT -5
Post by CrockHunter on Jul 15, 2010 21:55:57 GMT -5
What has 100 legs and only 53 teeth . . . . . . . . . .
The front row at a TeaBagger Rally. . . . . . . .
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Jul 15, 2010 21:58:07 GMT -5
Post by CrockHunter on Jul 15, 2010 21:58:07 GMT -5
How do we know that the Tooth Brush was invented in Georgia
If it had been invented anywhere else it would have been called a TEETH Brush.. .. .. .
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Jul 16, 2010 22:10:52 GMT -5
Post by Boatrocker on Jul 16, 2010 22:10:52 GMT -5
Q: What's white and 12" long"
A: Not a damn thing . . . .
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Aug 28, 2010 20:34:01 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Aug 28, 2010 20:34:01 GMT -5
__ 'S'
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Sept 7, 2010 15:49:14 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Sept 7, 2010 15:49:14 GMT -5
A Dog Named 'Sex' Everybody I know usually calls their dog Rover or Spot. I called mine 'Sex'.
Now 'Sex' has been very embarrassing to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When I went to City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk I'd like a license for 'Sex'. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "She is a dog!!"
He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand, I had 'Sex' since I was 9 years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have 'Sex' at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But 'Sex' has played a big part in my life, and my life revolves around 'Sex'."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everybody would like having 'Sex' at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for 'Sex'. He said every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand! 'Sex' keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "me too!"
One day I entered 'Sex' in a contest, but before the competition began, 'Sex' ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around, and I told him that I was going to have 'Sex' in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said. "I hoped to have 'Sex' on TV!"
He called me a 'show-off'!
When my wife and I split, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had 'Sex' before I was married, but 'Sex' left me after I was married."
The judge said, "Me too!!"
Last night, 'Sex' ran off again, and I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said "I'm looking for 'Sex'."
My case comes up next Thursday.
Well, now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced, and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with my shrink, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, " 'Sex' has been my best friend all of my life, but now it has left me forever, I couldn't live any longer, so lonely!"
And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend, so get your self a dog."___________ __ 'S'
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