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JOKES
Nov 3, 2010 12:01:53 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Nov 3, 2010 12:01:53 GMT -5
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Nov 23, 2010 0:26:21 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Nov 23, 2010 0:26:21 GMT -5
~ Suicide Jumper ~A guy riding his Harley sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm trying to commit suicide," she says.
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job?" So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing suicide?".
"Because my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"__________ 'S'
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Nov 26, 2010 20:54:47 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Nov 26, 2010 20:54:47 GMT -5
__ 'S'
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JOKES
Dec 19, 2010 1:32:08 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Dec 19, 2010 1:32:08 GMT -5
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Dec 31, 2010 12:30:54 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Dec 31, 2010 12:30:54 GMT -5
Bob the Chicken Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got way too much to live for. Please send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a....chicken.' Bob was devastated, but St. Peter explained that this was the only way he could return to the earth he knew. Faced with that reality, he begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife's voice....
"BOB, wake up! You just pooped in the bed!"
(Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!) _____________ 'S'[/center]
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Jan 14, 2011 0:25:33 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Jan 14, 2011 0:25:33 GMT -5
The dangers of being a Pirate > A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!"
> "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
> "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
> "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
> The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
> The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
> "What about that eye patch?"
> "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in me eye."
> "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."
> "It was my first day with the hook." ____________ __ 'S'
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Jan 23, 2011 23:40:35 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Jan 23, 2011 23:40:35 GMT -5
A little boy asks his father, "daddy how was I born?"
His father answers:
"Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber cafe. I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little pop-up appeared and said: "You've got male!" [/b][/size][/color] ________________ 'S'[/center]
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Feb 2, 2011 11:54:47 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Feb 2, 2011 11:54:47 GMT -5
'GROANERS' 1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. 2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. 3. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. 4. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. 5. Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death. 6. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. 7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 8. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. 9. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 10. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. 11. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. 12. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. 13. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. 14. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.) 15. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 16. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. 17. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. 18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 19. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. 20. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 21. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 22. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 23. Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under. 24. Every calendar's days are numbered. 25. A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine. 26. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 27. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 28. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. 29. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. 30. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. 31. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 32. Acupuncture is a jab well done. [/color][/size] _____________ __ 'S'
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Feb 5, 2011 18:18:23 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Feb 5, 2011 18:18:23 GMT -5
~ IRISH TRADITION ~ Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit."_____ __ 'S'
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Apr 7, 2011 16:16:33 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Apr 7, 2011 16:16:33 GMT -5
[glow=black,2,300] __ 'S'[/glow]
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Apr 28, 2011 1:30:16 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Apr 28, 2011 1:30:16 GMT -5
Emoticons Have CybersexLed by 'Angry', the Emoticons tackle their latest challenge: Adding meaning and superficial emotion to a cyber-sex conversation.
Grossed out, but ever the professionals, the emoticons help cyber-sexer Darryl clarify such vague statements as "I'm huge too," and "Take off your shirt." ______________ 'S'
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May 2, 2011 8:56:29 GMT -5
Post by comingnellll on May 2, 2011 8:56:29 GMT -5
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
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May 14, 2011 7:05:57 GMT -5
Post by comingnellll on May 14, 2011 7:05:57 GMT -5
One evening, I went with friends to a fancy restaurant. About halfway through his meal my friend took a hard look at the potato, called the waitress over and said, "This potato is bad!"
To my utter amazement, the waitress at this "5-Star" place, picked the potato up, smacked it, put it back on the plate, then told my friend, "If that potato causes any more trouble, just let me know."
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May 31, 2011 0:17:24 GMT -5
Post by Spider on May 31, 2011 0:17:24 GMT -5
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf and this was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is... Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win!"
"The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my Cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." _________________________ 'S'[/center]
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Jun 11, 2011 14:11:02 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Jun 11, 2011 14:11:02 GMT -5
[url=http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/0866fc3dba/fish-gun-with-matt-dillon?utm_campaign=newsletter20110609&utm_content=fv1&utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&utm_term=fd 'Fish Gun' with Matt Dillon[/b][/size][/font][/color][/u][/url] When your fishing poles just aren't cutting it, maybe it's time to step up and use what the REAL fishing pro's use.
Go out and get yourself a Fish Gun from "Daytona" Matt Dillon today, so you can kill fish with bullets like you're supposed to.[clic title]___________________ 'S'[/center]
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Jun 19, 2011 11:09:29 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Jun 19, 2011 11:09:29 GMT -5
Times have changed.
The eloquently written love notes of yesteryear probably won't get you very far these days when it comes to serenading that special someone.
Want to learn how to be a text messaging Cassanova?
Watch this video and you too can be 'Texting Your Way To Love' in no time. __ 'S' [/b][/size][/color][/font] [/center]
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Jul 9, 2011 20:28:30 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Jul 9, 2011 20:28:30 GMT -5
Casey Anthony's OKCupid Profile_______________ 'S'
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Jul 16, 2011 1:20:01 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Jul 16, 2011 1:20:01 GMT -5
___ 'S'
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Sept 6, 2011 11:27:33 GMT -5
Post by Spider on Sept 6, 2011 11:27:33 GMT -5
~ Worth 1,000 Words ~ [/b] ________ __ 'S' [/color][/size] [/CENTER]
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