Church Of Extreme Conservative Christians (satire)

[Spider]

Republican Children Say the Darndest Things
About Barack Obama!

Freehold, Iowa - National Center for Concerned Christian Children - Landover Baptist receives countless letters from curious children every month. For the last few months, nearly 80% of their letters contain questions about so-called, U.S. Presidential candidate, Barack Hussein Obama. "It looks like Christian parents are still raising American children with traditional values," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "It's insightful to read how the little ears of Jesus interpret what they hear through Satanic secular media. It gives me great hope in our future! I thought it would be an absolute joy to print some of their questions here on our web site. I'll bet most of our readers have children asking the same questions! If your kids are asking questions like the ones you read below, it is a sure sign that you are raising your child in accordance with True Christian™ Biblical standards!"

[glow=black,2,300] Praise Jesus![/glow]

"Does every Christian family move to Canada if Obama is elected, or is it just everyone on my Daddy's side?" - Henrietta Rutherford, Age 11, Lynchburg Christian Academy

"Is Obama really gonna make momma get an abortion? I wanted a little brother and she promised to make one for me!" - Mark Ingram, Age 5, Home Schooled

"How is my daddy going to get his money for retirement if Obama is going to take it all and give it to the Negroes?" - Jenny Yolinda, Age 10, Landover Baptist Christian Academy for the Saved

"Is the Obama going to send the rappers to get my mommy?" - Brian Wind, Age 10, Liberty University Advanced Children's Christian Center for Learning

"Does Obama have an extra bone in his ankle that makes him jump higher when he plays basketball?" - Nancy Hodge, Age 11, Lynchburg Christian Academy

"I'm saving myslef for maragie, Is Obama going to make me have sex with my girlfriend and smoke marniguana and cigarittes before I'm old enough?" - Jonathan Westfalls, Age 45, Liberty University School of Life Long Learning

"I'm so scared of Obama! Is that dirty dark monster still outside of my bathroom window, watching me tinkle? Is he going to bite my head off and feed it to the Puff Daddy like Momma says?" - Jack Harper, Age 7, Landover Baptist Christian Academy for the Saved

"What's a half-breeded nappity headed negroid comanist snoffabeach?" - Gillian Thomas, Age 5, Home Schooled

"How comes a colored person is allowed to be a President?" - Sally Fisher, Age 17 Landover Baptist High School For the Saved

"What's a Vagina? My Creation Science Teacher, Edna Mae, says Obama will make her teach students about them and spray hers on everyone in class or else she might lose her credidations."
- Willy Higgins, Age 7, Landover Baptist Junior Academy for the Saved

"If Obama gets elected, is he going to kill all the white people or make them slaveries?" - Henry Clark, Age 14, Lynchburg Christian Academy

"Will Obama make my Daddy pay Monique more money to clean my bedroom? And can I still boss her around my bathroom alot? She's so funny looking! I like it when she always says to me, "yes 'ma'am!" - Alison Hahan, Age 17, Landover Baptist Creation Research Academy

"If Obama gets elected, is there gonna be more Negroes everywhere? Even on my lacrosse team! And in my tree-fort!?" - Hank Funkhouser, Age 11, Freehold Iowa Christian Academy

"Momma says June Gordon is voting for Obama because he has a giant penis and she likes getting rapped by Negroes. Why is a hore like that beach still allowed in our church?" - Billy Spofford, Age 11, Landover Baptist Junior Academy for the Saved

"Does Obama think my daddy makes too much money? Is Obama gonna give daddy's money to Mr. Cecil so he can buy cracked cains? Mom says Obama wants to make her stamp her food, why???" - Nancy Hodge, Age 11, Lynchburg Christian Academy

"Dad's being saying this word lots when he reads about the Obama, so how is a Neeg rahr look? It sounds scary! Is it like a lion?" - Amy Coltin, Age 4, Landover Baptist Pre-School for the Saved.

"My daddy made my sister move away cause said she is voting for Obama. Is she going to be okay? He hit her in the head with the Bible. I am not allowed to help her because Daddy said she is no better than a Mexican and there ain't no Mexicans in this Christian family." - Cheryl Longwood, Age 14, Lynchburg Christian Academy at Thomas Road Baptist Church

"If Obama gets elected, will the coloreds move to our neighborhood?" - Timothy Jenkins, Age 9, Landover Baptist Elementary School for the Saved

"Is Rushian Limbargh gonna get Christians to stop Obama before he gets to the Whites Ony House and takes controls of the social securities?" - N Todd Brewer, Age 7, Lynchburg Christian Pre-School Academy

"Why does daddy cuss so much when Obama is on TV?"
- Benjamin Talkins, Age 8, Lynchburg Christian Academy

"Are all the people who don't vote for John McCain really going to burn in hell and be hiney-sized by demons? Grandma says it is absolutely true! She says that Pastor Lon Solomon, who is a messianical Jewish is just afraid to say it out loud because he'd lose his gold tithers. Grandma is the best Christian I ever knew!" - Scott Prendergast Jr., Age 11, McLean Bible School, McLean Virginia

_______________________
__
'S'

[Spider]

Focus on the Pharisee

[/color]

A beginner's guide to understanding how
American Christians interpret the New Testament!

You might be a practicing Christian and not even know it![/center]
Freehold, Iowa - While all True Christians™ applaud James Dobson’s efforts to keep that upstart Borat Osama as far from the Oval Office as his ancestors were from a Selma drinking fountain, we find his methods a bit disconcerting. Doctor Dobson attacked the colored candidate for quoting from the Old Testament instead of the New Testament. But as Fundamentalist Evangelical Christian Republicans, we’ve never been that big on the New Testament, which is loaded with all those inconvenient “truths” about caring for others and forgiving our enemies. In fact, the only New Testament verse we’ve ever had much use for is John 3:16 that merely requires us to give five or 10 seconds of our lives for eternal bliss, no matter how despicable our personas and actions. And politically, the GOP (God’s Own Party) has traditionally favored the fire and brimstone of the old book over the rather socialist leanings of the newer release. Lest Dobson has forgotten, let us remind him of just a handful of differences between fundamentalist thinking and Jesus’ actual words.

Brother Harry Hardwick's Handy Guide
to Distinguishing Jesus' Missteps from True Christianity:

What the New Testament Says. [in Blue]
versus
What We Evangelical Republicans Say. [in Red]

.. Pray in private, not in public for the world to see.

“And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, they have their reward. But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly” (Matthew 6:5-6).

.. Pray in public; the more who see you, the more profitable our tax-exempt franchise becomes.

We ignore Jesus and seek to maximize public prayer. Closets are the best place to store homos. We want our children praying in school where their classmates can see them. We seek mandatory prayer at athletic events, in government meetings and anywhere else two or more are gathered. Our leader prays on his radio show, and we pray in church whenever the TV cameras are rolling.

.. When it comes to other people’s private lives, mind your own business!

“But let none of you suffer as a murderer, or as a thief, or as an evildoer, or as a busybody in other men’s matters” (1 Peter 4:15).[/color]

.. Government should regulate every aspect of our private lives so everyone conforms to our notion of morality.

We consider it our business to decide whom people shall wed, whom people shall become intimate with and what people shall read, say and do. People’s lives should be as we say they should be.

.. Refrain from condemning or criticizing other people for things you disapprove of.

“There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who are thou that judgest another” (James 4:12). “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone” (John 8:7). “Judge not, that ye be not judged” (Matthew 7:1).

.. If people don’t conform to your vision of right and wrong, call them immoral sinners.

Look down on them and publicly scold them over their "sin," in a voice that implies you have none of your own. And then try to pass as many ordinances, laws and constitutional amendments against them as you can.[/color]

.. A sin is a Sin, and no one sin is greater than any other

For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all” (James 2:10).

.. The worst sins are those WE don’t commit.

We can overlook men cheating on their taxes and wives, getting divorces and mistresses, robbing their employees of their pension funds and their first wives of their youth, and becoming gluttons who sleep with their children's friends, but intimacy between two men is dastardly!

.. Reject the notion of an eye for an eye.
If a man strikes you on one cheek, turn the other to him.

“Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, that ye resist not evil: but whoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matthew 5:38-39).

.. If a man strikes you on one cheek, fry both of his.
We embrace “an eye for an eye” regardless of what Jesus said.

This is one of many times the Old Testament trumps the New Testament. After all, “an eye for an eye” is practically our mantra. It was very short-sighted of Jesus to try to take it away from us. Vengeance is our principal justification for capital punishment. Without it, we might have to accept that execution is wrong, as every other Western nation in the world has done.

.. Never let your actions be guided by vengeance.

“Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:19-21).

.. Our mantra IS vengeance.

We want to see every criminal get what he deserves. That is why we think the Bill of Rights isn’t worth the papyrus it was scrolled upon. We can’t wait for the Lord to take care of those who wrong us. We need bloodthirsty satisfaction now! Vengeance is also now our Foreign Policy. And sometimes we don't sit around waiting for anything to avenge; we strike first!

.. Peace is truth; do violence to no man.

“Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God” (Matthew 5:9). “Then said Jesus unto him, Put up again thy sword into his place: for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword” (Matthew 26:52). “And the soldiers likewise demanded of him, saying, And what shall we do? And he said unto them, Do violence to no man” (Luke 3:14). “If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:18).

.. War is a viable, preferred option – even against those countries that have not even attacked us.

In fact, we should wage war against all countries that insist on believing things that are different than what we believe (unless they possess weapons that could actually kill a lot of our soldiers and thus our political aspirations) when politically advantageous to the GOP, such as when a difficult election looms.

.. Be sure to take care of those most in need;
this is one of your greatest moral obligations.

“Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was an hundred, and ye gave me not meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not. Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee? then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me (Matthew 25:41-15). “Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me” (Matthew 19:21). “And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity” (1 Corinthians 13:13).

.. Ignore those lazy poor people, who refuse to take care of themselves.

We’re perfectly happy for our government to spend a trillion dollars on an unwinnable war that was without justification from the start, but we oppose spending one dime on a bunch of good-for-nothing preschool bums without food or health insurance who lack the wherewithal to become rich, themselves.

.. Jesus threw the money changers out of the temple.

“And they came to Jerusalem: and Jesus went into the temple, and began to cast them out that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers” (E.g., Mark 11:15).

.. We seek to provide a temple for every money changer.

We dare you to go sashaying through America's most important temples, the Federal Reserve, without an appointment today. See how many desks you kick over before you're handcuffed and shoved into the back of a squad car! We support anything to make the rich richer, and to make rich, tax-free fundamentalist ministries, the richest of all! Also - Remember to stop by our church book store before services, to purchase some handy trinkets!

---

;D ;D

And that's just a few differences between
a New Testament Christian and a
Fundamental Republican Evangelist Christian.
__
'S'

[/color][/center]

[Spider]

Audio Version
[recommended]

Do You Have Demons In Your Colon?

Folks, here at Landover Baptist Church, we don't care about secular opinions, we don't care about polls, we don't care what's in the newspaper and we sure as hell don't give a damn what some fancy atheistic scientist says. All we care about is what God says. If them scientists would have been paying attention to the Bible, they would have found out a long time ago what Christians already knew for the last 2,000 years. What's that? Why, it's the fact that Hell is bubbling and brewing right under our feet. Hell is in the center of the earth. If you don't believe it, then read your Bible! God tells us in Revelation, chapter 14, that he is going to torment people with fire and brimstone. Friends? Do you know what brimstone is? It's sulfur, that's what it is. Do you know where sulfur is? It's in the center of the earth, that's where it is.
And it is Satan’s little calling card. When you smell sulfur, you know Satan has been around. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had saved men come up to me who work on them oil drilling platforms in that Gulf of Mexicans and tell me the same story. They say that sometimes they drill too far and suddenly the whole platform fills with the smell of sulfur coming up the pipeline straight from Hell. Sometimes, they can actually hear the sounds of demons in Hell screaming for mercy coming up the pipe. It is a fact the media don’t want you to know, but the folks at Exxon Mobile have had to start playing loud rap music on their platforms just to drown out the sounds of demons scampering up the pipeline to escape their never-ending torture. Sometimes, they don’t close the hole quick enough and millions of demons escape. Fortunately for us, most of these demons that escape find themselves in the water (and drown because the New Testament teaches that demons, like black people, can’t swim) or they turn up in some godforsaken Arab country where everyone is damned anyway so they can’t do much harm.

But when you smell sulfur, you know the Devil is around. Friends, have you ever sat yourself down on the toilet to do nature’s necessity and been overwhelmed by the smell of rotten eggs? It is sulfur. A clear sign that demons are living in your bottom. You need to get yourself down to a Bible-believing church, pronto, and get yourself a Jesus enema!

The scientists just found that out a few years ago. God's people knew it all along. If those idiots would stop letting the Devil do all the thinking for them and turn to God's word, they'd find what they're looking for. Salvation. Freedom from Satan's distractions. Distractions like books, universities, science, biology, astronomy... Why, did you know that there are some scientists out there who are ignorant enough to believe that there is life on other planets? They even think that the stars in the sky are little suns, with planets revolving around them. Well, they got it half right. The Bible tells us that they are sons, not suns. They are the sons of Abraham. Every Bible believing Christian knows this is true. Their heavenly garments light up the night sky as proof that God's home is above our heads.

So, we know that Hell is a real place, with a real location. There is even more evidence of this (cause that's what the scientists are asking us for) when we see volcanic eruptions. They spit out tons of sulfuric gas into the air. Betty Bowers will tell you that global warming is a direct result of overpopulation in Hell. I will agree with her on this, but I would like to take it a step further. When you see that volcano erupt over there in Japan, you are seeing the growing pains of Hell. God is still working on Hell, folks. Frankly, He never guessed there would be so many Asians, and since every one of those sneaky folks is sent to Hell (do NOT pass Go), the place is more packed than one of them rafts from Cuba. In fact, Hell has gotten so crowded, it has started to annex parts of the surface of the Earth. So far, all Satan has laid claim to is Africa (and no one even noticed! [laugh], but he will eventually start taking over places that matter. God made the earth in 6 days, but he is still carving out a place in the core of the planet earth where he will torture people forever in a literal lake of fire! don't know what else it's gonna take for folks to be convinced. Frankly, the thought is so frightening that I can't see why people are not running to their local churches and begging to get saved, and become tithing members.

240,000 people go to Hell every day. That's 158 people a minute. You can line up all the people who went to Hell in the last 10 years and have them all hold hands – if they hadn’t been chewed off by demons. The line would circle the planet eight times. That's why it keeps getting bigger. Jesus tells us that that "broad is the way to destruction, but narrow is the path to salvation."

The reason we talk about Hell so much in this church is because God talked about it. Did you know that for every time Heaven is mentioned in the Bible, Hell is mentioned 10 times? I wish I could tell you how many people go to Heaven each day. It's hard to say. I can tell you that one went last week, when we lost a dear member of this church. Rev. Charles Wilson lived all 87 years of his life on this church campus. He was born here, and he died here. Praise God! He was called to serve in one place, and he never faltered from that calling. He never set foot off of this campus until the day he died. The only other place that Rev. Charles Wilson ever visited is Heaven. And that is a Godly testament to this fine church. He went from Landover to Glory. In fact, I don’t even know if that counts as a change. End of story.

As Christians, we can sit back and laugh at science. Sometimes, we cry tears of joy as well. Every time some fancy academic comes up with something he thinks is new, we can turn to our Bibles and see that there is nothing new. God told King Solomon that "there is nothing new under the sun." The Bible is the only book anyone needs to read. The Devil don't want you to know that, though. That's why he writes books of his own. He wrote the best selling Harry Potter series just to distract children from reading the Bible. We see where that went. Little boys wanting to be fairies, kids killing their parents (and other unsaved kids in public schools)." Most of this can be traced back to the fact that children can't read the Bible in school. They can read the smutty works of that panty-hose-wearing William Shakespeare, and the unintelligible drunken ramblings of Muriel Hemingway, but they can't read the Bible. Children are even being forced to read books written by angry colored folks like Maya Angeloony who write under the influence of demonic voodoo gods. Why, our little children in public schools are even told to read books written by homosexuals and harlots with pen-names that celebrate smutty incest like Dickinson. It all comes as no surprise, though. This is a Devil-run world, and Christians have always been the minority. Satan would kill us all if he could, but he wants to make God even more mad by trying to convert us back into being unsaved. Ah yes, we know his battle plan. This church is not going to be suckered by Hell's minions. As long as I live and breathe, I won't let it happen.

---

;D ;D ;D
And that's this Radical Evangelists
Definition of 'Tick-Tard'
__
'S'

[/color]

[Spider]

Church Responds to Success of X-Men
With Marvel™ Comic Book Bonfire
Press Release

Freehold, Iowa -- Over two thousand Marvel comic books were snatched from the hands of teary-eyed Landover Baptist males (the ones that cried the most tended to be single and in their forties and claimed to be one call from a woman named Miss "Pamela" Anderson). The comic books were burned in a glorious fire that could be seen all the way to Winnebago County, if not Heaven itself.

"It is an offering made by fire, of a sweet savor unto the LORD (Lev. 2:9)," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "The Lord loves the smell of burning books, and ignited comic books make even prettier colored flames! And some of those older editions flame quicker than a Broadway chorus boy in tap shoes. I want to thank every Godly parent who was a part of our community-wide effort to purge the plague of filth and fiction from the minds of our Christian children," he continued. Deacons who were present at the comic book burning noted that the fire was even more beautiful than last October's Harry Potter Book Burning.

Landover Baptist's comic book burning effort was in response to the recent success of Hollywood 's "Rated X-Men: The Last Stand" film, which is taking in record sales at the box office, filling the greedy coffers of Hell.

"If only American children would get their feet hot for Jesus and put their allowance in the offering plates on Sunday, instead of saving it up to sneak out and see movies that display obscenely attractive men and OK-looking women in tight leotards, this world would be a much better place," says Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards.

Marvel comic book writer, Stan Lee (a long time nemesis of Pastor Jack Chick of Chick Tract fame) is a well known Atheist and womanizer who uses comic books like the Rated X- Men, not to glorify God, but to push his twisted ideology and godless agenda on our innocent little American children.

"No Christian child has any business reading Mr. Lee's sexed-up humanistic trash," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "Anyone who spends that much time coming up with inviting lady-limbs, heaving cartoon boobies and bulging, preposterously hung groins, is bound to be drawing with one hand! And if you don't get what I am tactfully saying, Jesus does! If your kids like juvenile depictions of fanciful nonsense, drawn with the subtlety of a David Spade movie, slap a Chick Tract into their hands instead!"

For the next several months, during Sunday School classes, children will be required to repeat the following prayer until it sinks into their heads and they never forget it:

When Jesus takes His last stand
On their butts, all X-Men land
Wolverine, that hairy queen,
Will squeal his last high-pitched scream
As Jesus turns Storm's cartoon bust
Into a giant pile of Holy Eraser dust!

Jesus is the X-Factor
He is the eternal life reactor
There are no X-Men
Never will I read a comic book again
In Jesus' name A-men.

In a Godly reaction to X-Men 3, the Board of Deacons has commissioned a sin posse to be named, "The A-Men Trinity." The A-Men will travel to outlying communities and even into Des Moines with the good news that Jesus wants to rid all homes of X-Men comic books and put them into the hands of Landover Baptist Pastors who will in turn burn them later this summer in a giant fire if they don't fetch a good enough love gift price on E-Bay.

If you are ready to make a commitment to Christ, you can send us your X-Men comic books (the older the comic book, the more important your commitment!) to save us from kicking in the door to your parents' basement and snatching them out of your cold, dead hand.

Send your comic books to:

Landover Baptist A-Men Outreach
E-Bay Sales Division
427 Soulwinner's Lane, Suite 12B
Freehold, Iowa 29065
_______________

__
'S'

[Spider]

Even today a few Middle East Muslims
are living in
'The Stone Age of Religion'
__
'S'

______________

Source

Mickey Mouse Must Die[/b][/size][/color]

says Saudi Arabian cleric

Mickey Mouse is a corrupting influence and must die,
a Muslim cleric has declared.

By Martin Beckford,
Religious Affairs Correspondent
15 Sep 2008[/center]
Sheikh Muhammad Munajid claimed the mouse is "one of Satan's soldiers" and makes everything it touches impure.

But he warned that depictions of the creature in cartoons such as Tom and Jerry,
and Disney's Mickey Mouse, had taught children that it was in fact loveable.

The cleric, a former diplomat at the Saudi embassy in Washington DC, said that under Sharia, both household mice and their cartoon counterparts must be killed.

Mr Munajid was asked to give Islam's teaching on mice during a religious affairs programme broadcast on al-Majd TV, an Arab television network.

According to a translation prepared by the Middle East Media Research Institute, an American press monitoring service, he said:

"The mouse is one of Satan's soldiers and is steered by him."

"If a mouse falls into a pot of food – if the food is solid, you should chuck out the mouse and the food touching it, and if it is liquid – you should chuck out the whole thing, because the mouse is impure.

"According to Islamic law, the mouse is a repulsive, corrupting creature. How do you think children view mice today – after Tom and Jerry?

"Even creatures that are repulsive by nature, by logic, and according to Islamic law have become wonderful and are loved by children. Even mice.

"Mickey Mouse has become an awesome character, even though
according to Islamic law, Mickey Mouse should be killed in all cases."

Last month Mr Munajid condemned the Beijing Olympics as the "Bikini Olympics", claiming that nothing made Satan happier than seeing females athletes dressed
in skimpy outfits.

;D ;D ;D

[Spider]

Church Announces:
"Sarah Palin Week"

[/b][/size]



NATIONAL NEWS:
Sarah Palin Week Extravaganza Festivities, Events, and More: [/center]
Freehold, Iowa - Freehold, Iowa - "I do hereby declare the last week of October, Sarah Palin Week," Pastor Deacon Fred told church members on Sunday morning. "There will be prayer meetings, special events, chaste flirting, educational sessions, luncheons, invitation dinners, sermons, classes for children and services dedicated to all things Sarah Palin," he continued. "Please be sure to pick up several copies of the $58 Sarah Palin Week Souvenir Brochure in the main lobby after services today.

We expect 100% participation from every member of this church. If you're not slung up in a hospital somewhere, pooping your Jell-O out into a Tupperware commode like poor John McCain last week, you had better show your face as we honor this lovely woman.

But let's make something clear: We are venerating Sister Sarah, not worshipping her. I'm not entirely sure what that distinction is, but you hear it from those lying Cath-a-holics all the time.

The thing is, unlike them, we mean it. And also note that in order to maintain our tax-exempt status, this special Christian week to honor a person we love and care about very deeply should in no way sway your decision in regard to what party or which person you will be voting for this upcoming election.

Friends, there are plenty of unspoken incentives already in place to protect you from pulling a leaver in a voting booth this November in such a way that it becomes a slip-latch to the gates of Hell!

Oh Glory!
___________

Schedule of Events:



Sarah Palin Week
Landover Baptist Church, Freehold Iowa
Please Note: Events and Prices Could Change Without Notice
___________________________

__
'S'

[/color]

[Spider]

Sarah Palin
.. interviewed by Betty Bowers,
... 'America's Best Christian'


__
'S'

[Spider]

PREVIEW OF HELL HOUSE 2008:
"Barack Obama's Ghastly Ghetto of
Demoncratic Terror!"

[/color] [/center]
IMPORTANT NOTICE: We cannot stress enough that the additional $2 for the plastic ponchos at the entrance gate is well worth it, as rancid pig’s blood will be sprayed from the white man’s head in Room 7 with extreme force onto each participant.

Room 1 - A Lilly-White Family Gets Taxed to Death – Participants will watch as a normal Christian (white) husband comes home from work to sit down to dinner with his family. Obama is speaking on the television set in the living room. The wife turns the channel but every station has Barack Obama on it, repeating the words, "If u makin' under $250K, I not be raisin' yo taxes!" (Participants learn that Obama has switched to speaking Ebonics after taking office and a handy translation chart will be provided as part of your entrance fee) The children want to know what they are having for appetizers before dinner. The mother screams, "We don't have enough money for appetizers anymore! We're just going to have dinner! The children start crying as the mother scoops portions of Almar Caviar into their plates. "But this used to be our appetizer, mommy!" says one child. "Yes," says the mother, "but thanks to liberals electing Barack Obama as their president, now its all we can afford for supper!" The father chokes back his tears, pulls out a gun and shoots his two children. He then shoots his wife and puts the gun to his own head and says, "We can't live like this, Obama has taxed us all to death." He pulls the trigger, blowing off his head. Participants will be glad they have a plastic poncho (provided for an additional $2 at the entrance) because they will be sprayed from head to toe in rancid pig's blood squirting intermittently for over a minute from the white man's neck as they are given time to contemplate the seriousness of the situation. They are given one chance to back out with a non-refundable fee or to move on to Room 2.

Room 2 - Families Forced to Pray to Mohammed! - Participants learn over the speaker system that two months after Obama seized control of America, he pulled the troops home from Iraq. As a result, terrorism has spread and Americans are told that every family must pray to Allah for one hour each evening or Al Qaeda will bomb their house. Participants will see a family weeping as they cover the statues of Jesus in their home and take down the crosses they have hanging on the wall. They will throw small rugs on the floor and point them to the East. As they kneel down to pray, Mohammed will appear before them, and laugh maniacally. As Mohammed turns, participants will see a long red pointy tail coming out from his hind side as he makes his way into the shadows.

Room 3 - The Black Penis Room! -[/b][/url]

Clic on 'The Black Penis' to read about all seven rooms.

Again, we cannot stress enough that the additional $2 for the plastic ponchos is well worth it, as rancid pig's blood will be sprayed from the white man's head in Room 7 with extreme force onto the participants.

Salvation from Obama/Hell Opportunity - After leaving Room 7, participants will be guided by qualified church Deacons into a tent behind the ghetto complex where they will be presented with the gospel of Jesus Christ and registered as Republican voters.

__
'S'

[/center]

[Spider]

[glow=black,2,300]__
'S'[/glow]

[Spider]

Free Holiday Leftover Meal For Homeless
Who Sign Contract and Confess Christ

Outreach Ministry

Freehold, Iowa - Pastor Deacon Fred announced earlier this week that Landover Baptist will be providing free Thanksgiving leftover meals for the homeless population in downtown Freehold, Iowa. "They will have to confess Christ at the door, and sign an agreement where our church will get 25% off of all future money they get from panhandling," said church treasurer, Gil Anderson. "We all know that these lazy irresponsible people won't learn a thing if they get a free handout. The 'Hobo Agreement' they sign will teach them a valuable lesson about life and maybe make them think twice about becoming a lay-about in God's favorite town, Freehold, Iowa!"

Church members are asked to donate leftovers from their Thanksgiving meals to assist in the homeless dinner which will take place one week after Thanksgiving. "Someone will be by your houses with a bucket," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "We want to make this as easy as possible for everyone, so you just have to dump whatever slop you have left over into the bucket and we'll pitch it into some trash cans and let them cook it up down at the junkyard."

Homeless people who qualify for the free leftover meal will also be asked to sit through a small church service where they will sing hymns and smile through several photo sessions with wealthy church members and local Republican politicians. They will also be required to listen to Pastor Deacon Fred's 2-hour Thanksgiving sermon. There will be an additional altar call after the service for those who wish to rededicate their lives to Christ again after making a profession of faith two-hours earlier.

~ HOBO AGREEMENT ~


Disclaimer:

So-called, "Christian" homeless people are not welcome to the free meal since we all know that there is no such thing as a Christian homeless person (at least not in Freehold, Iowa). The "Christian" homeless person will be offered a chance to deny Christ and then reconfess Him, then rededicate under Pastoral supervision. Deacons will be on hand to take the person through a brief series of salvation questions and if they answer each one correctly, a Pastor will make a determination of sincerity and decide whether or not the person gets a free meal.

__________________

__
'S'

[Spider]

Shocking Bible Discovery
[glow=red,2,300]Shatters[/glow] the Homosexual Agenda!

Sermon by Brother Harry Hardwick

Friends, contrary to the disturbing lies homosexuals tell us, we now have conclusive proof that there are fewer sodomites out there than age-eligible Olympic Chinese gymnasts! And the evidence comes straight from the Bible! Praise God! Quite frankly, I’m a tad embarrassed that I hadn’t discovered this passage before. As a devout, nearly sinless True Christian™, I would never boast or brag. But as y’all know, I’ve been affectionately known as the Bible Answer Man for better than 20 years, ever since I won the world championship for reciting the Old Testament begets in the fastest time (12 min., 5.8 sec.). Now, that’s a record even that light-in-the-loafers Olympic swimmer will never come close to matching!

Since we all know sex is for procreation, not recreation, and since Heather and I have 12 children, all boys named after the apostles, I spend my evenings re-reading the Bible while Heather is in the kitchen, preparing the next day’s instructions for the help. On my fifth reading through the Book of Revelation this year, my attention was drawn to Chapter 14, verses 1-4. I am absolutely convinced that this passage exposes the homosexual agenda for what it is -- the rantings of a handful of immoral extremists, trying to recruit our sweet, innocent little children into their tiny depraved cult.

“And I looked, and, lo, a Lamb stood on the mount Sion, and with him an hundred forty and four thousand, having his Father’s name written in their foreheads. And I heard a voice from heaven, as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of a great thunder: and I heard the voice of harpers with their harps: And they sung as it were a new song before the throne, and before the four beasts, and the elders: and no man could learn that song but the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth. These are they which were not defiled with women…”
- Rev. 14: 1-4

In this verse, the Book of Revelation makes it crystal clear that Heaven will be limited to 144,000 men who were never with women! This number includes more than just homos my friends, since there are obviously some men who are heterosexual (that means “normal”) who have never been with women, probably because their tally-whackers never developed fully, as the good Lord intended.

That means there may be less than a hundred thousand queers worldwide!

Can I get an A-men?

This just shows how dishonest and devious those butt-sniffin' nelly boys really are! They actually claim that one out of 10 men in this country is a homo! That would equal 14 million nancy boys in America alone! Whew! It would translate into five NFL players per team, three boys in every child’s homeroom and dozens of professional figurer skaters. In short, this is outrageous! These pernicious sissies have obviously been filling their so-called gay bars and pride parades with straight people they hired just to make their numbers look bigger. Well, as we're all fond of saying, it stinks like the Devil's hiney, my friends!

The homosexual agenda has finally been exposed! And I am here to make this declarative revelation publically so every True Christian™ in the world will know the truth! For decades, the queers have used exaggerated numbers of their population to add legitimacy to their immoral, depraved cult. This enabled them to lure unsuspecting children and confused, well-dressed adults into their sexually deviant lifestyle.

Well, no more!

The Bible makes it perfectly clear that there are no more than 144,000
of these men anywhere in the world.

As a group, they’re smaller than the Log Cabin Republicans!
Their political clout and influence on our Christian society should be no greater!

~ Praise The Lord ~
__________________
__
'S'

[Spider]

How Comes The Obama Gets To Be A Presidents?

Dear Pastor,

The other day after family prayerings in our living room, Pa turned on the TV as usual and we started in on watching the Mr. Hannity's Show. Mr. Hannity was talking about our Lord Jesus as usuals and then brought him up a picture of the gang city rapper he called, "Obama." Pa turned as red as an Injun's butt and threw the Bible right in the TV! He turn it off and says we needed to pray again. "Why Pa? Why?" I says. And Pa turns up in me any says, "That THING is going to be the Presidents of these here United States!" So Pastor, How comes the Obama Gets to be a Presidents?

Johnny Eastfall
Age 27
Landover Baptist Rural Institute
for the Continuing Education of Home Schoolers

Dear Johnny,

Don't feel like you are alone with this question. You are a sweet Christian child and you must know that millions of Real Americans™ are asking the same thing. And your Pa ain't alone in his anger and rage. The answer about why the Obama was electated is that we are living in the last days, Johnny.

The Lord Jesus is gonna be hot-footin' back to Earth within the next four years to torture and kill everyone who doesn't love Him. Praise His Holy Name!

Johnny, the word, "Obama" in ancient Baptist Hebrewish is pronounced, "Aboma." Your Pa knows that. Jesus warned us about "the Obama-nation" or as Republicans and Christians like us have come to call it, "the Abomination" in Matthew 24:15-16:

"When ye therefore shall see the abomination of desolation

(The Obama), spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place (The White House) - Then let them which be in Judaea (Washington, DC) flee into the mountains (Freehold, Iowa)." [/b][/i][/blockquote]

So my boy, you needn't worry about why sinners flippantly cast their votes and souls into the Lake of Fire. Some of those folks just did it cause they felt sorry for Negroes. The good Lord cast folks' lot in life for a reason, and your Pa is angered because he thinks them coloreds is getting uppity. God's fiendish final solution for baby-killers, homo-lovers, liberals, and everyone who doesn't belong to this church was put in play long before any of us drew our first breath. A-men?

Johnny, you just need to sit tight. Keep praying like you do, honor your pa and keep at watching Mr. Hannity. He'll tell you what's what and what's for, just leave the rest to the Lord and trust in Jesus.

I do think it is time you let your parents and school chums know they should keep their barn doors open for visitors. Folks will be leaving the big cities real soon, searching for a vestige of hope and faith here in Freehold, Iowa.

For you see, the Obama will begin making decisions on day one about the economy, war, foreign affairs and more. These so-called, "conscious decisions" which will act as little ticking time-bombs put in place to slowly erode America's place in the world and ruin every aspect of American life as we know it today. But you are too young to understand the adult Republican mind, boy. Just keep reading the Bible, and you'll understand it all when you're old and smart enough.

In Jesus' Name,

Pastor Deacon Fred

_____________________________
__
'S'

[Spider]

Sex-Free Bible Spurs Controversy

Freehold, Iowa - After working with several church pastors for the better part of two years, James Montrose, principal of Landover Elementary School, announced last week that an abridged KJV Bible, omitting all references to illicit and deviant sex acts, has been finalized for use at the school next year. Montrose formally proposed to the Board of Deacons that the new Bible, roughly the size of a theater program, be required reading in all classes in place of the salacious unabridged version.

“It is beyond question that the Holy Bible, in unedited form, is simply not appropriate for children,” observed Montrose in testimony to the Board. The unabridged Bible is loaded with passages describing in detail such disgusting topics as:

premature ejaculation (Leviticus 15:2-15; 22:3-5),
wet dreams (Leviticus 15:16-18, 32),
voyeurism (Leviticus 18:6-20);
damaged testicles (Leviticus 21:20; Deuteronomy 23:1);
people taking a dump in the middle of camp (Deuteronomy 23:12-14);
hemorrhoids (1 Samuel 5:9; 6:4-5),
people urinating on a wall (1 Samuel 25:22; 26:34; 1 Kings 14:10; 16:11; 21:22; 2 Kings 9:8),
people eating their own feces and drinking their urine (2 Kings 18:27; Isaiah 36:12; Ezekiel 4:12, 15),
menstruation (just about all of Leviticus), etc., etc., etc.

And those are just from a few books I reviewed this morning. Some of these topics are too prurient even for an S&M club. In fact, many parts of the Good Book are so tawdry that the Bible would be the first book hurled into the flames at our weekly book burnings - were it not inspired by God, of course.”

Montrose, along with Pastors Seff Stryker and Don Holmes, prepared the new version of the Bible by scratching out all the X-rated passages in one of Montrose’s old copies of the KJV 1611. “By the time we were finished, my old Bible looked like a White House Enron document produced to a Senate subcommittee,” noted Montrose. “But as a result of our work, children will no longer be exposed to Biblical passages too risque for Penthouse Forum. And children will be able to finish reading the Bible within days of the start of the school year. This will afford their teachers plenty of time to have students memorize passages describing the violence God inflicts upon sinners.”

Not all Board members favor the proposed new version.

Brother Harry Hardwick led a minority of deacons opposed to the abridged Bible. “Don’t get me wrong,” cautioned Brother Harry. “I recognize that the definitive version of the Lord’s Word was written by that unrepentant sodomite, King James, and therefore contains far more graphic descriptions of intimacy than any heterosexual author would ever have inserted. Nevertheless, many of these passages offer useful information to children, such as the disastrous fate that awaits them if they lust, masturbate or have premarital sex. Without including the passages describing God’s wrath toward the sexually active, many youngsters may believe they have a green light to practice the most deviant of acts.”

In response to Brother Harry’s concern,
Pastor Deacon Fred proposed the following amendment to Montrose’s proposal:

“All children will be told each day during homeroom that any sexual activity before marriage, with or without a partner, will send the culprits hurtling toward Hell where red-tailed demons with giant purple penises will sodomize them for eternity.”

After the Board passed his proposal with the amendment, Montrose agreed to instruct teachers to deliver the homeroom lecture ever morning.

However, he warned that he was unsure how teachers would explain to their pupils what “sodomize” means - especially since they will no longer have the full Bible as a reference.

__________________________
__
'S'

[/color]

[Spider]

:::: Freehold Iowa Moves Quickly to Have Hogs and Day Laborers Put Down! ::::

MEXICAN SWINE FLU - REGIONAL ALERT!
MAY 2009

Iowa State News Alert - Panic spread across Freehold Iowa earlier this week after town council members ordered local police officers to arrest all day laborers and immediately deliver them to an emergency holding farm constructed on a 5-acre clearing at the end of an old logging road that leads into the abandoned Landover salt mines. The council also demanded that all local hog farmers round up their livestock with curly tails and deliver them to the same location at their earliest convenience, but no later than next Saturday.

Town Council President, Pastor Deacon Fred delivered the following announcement during the Wednesday evening service at Landover Baptist Church: "Some of you folks are gonna have to part with your Mexican maids, gardeners and toilet scrubbers. Others will see a strain on their businesses, having to pay the socialist minimum wage until suitable substitutes can be smuggled into the county. You might have to settle with hiring an Oriental or two to paint your Baptist homes, do the landscaping or help your children lay railroad lines for their toy train sets. At least until the Lord's temper tantrum and subsequent killing spree is over. Seems God is mighty upset over all the Mary Worshipping and outsourced meth-making going on down in Mexico land. In fact, He is so darn p.o.'ed that He slapped together a new virus, as is His wont since plagues always have proved to be wonderfully successful! Glory!" Pastor Deacon Fred continued, "When will the Catholics ever learn that Jesus likes to be the center of attention and can't stomach folks who give His showboating, needy, attention-whore momma more attention than Him? The gang-banging and border hopping must have been the last straw for the Lord. Now half of Mexico is racing to gobble down their last cocaine-laced pork tamale! And God hates folks who eat pork unless they have found a crafty way to get around it with some nimble Bible interpreting, like all real American Christians have!"

Deacon Fred assured church members that the town council is taking every step necessary to ensure that the Lord's mood swing doesn't touch down in Freehold County, like it did in 1969 when He meant to decimate a commune of naked, drugged-out hippies but missed and electrocuted a bus full of school children instead. "We can tell God's aim is getting worse and worse as the years go by because reports of this Mexican pig flu are poppin' up all over the place! I mean, places that even mortals with a map can tell ain't even Mexico! And with the marriage crazy homos in this state dipping and twirling with their fancy prancin' through our cul-de-sacs to gloat about their so-called 'marriages,' we need to move quicker than a shifty Negress at Wal-Mart who spots a security guard at the end of the aisle!"

The Freehold Town Council assured residents that day laborers would be put down in the most humane way possible. "But try as we might to emulate the Lord in all things we do, we still can't bear to see folks suffer the way God does," said one council member. "We're one step ahead of the US Government on dealing with this so-called swine pandemic and everyone knows the Feds will be doing the same thing we're doing in counties across America in a few weeks. We just can't wait for that nit-wit, high-yellow Obama to get off his tread-mill and address this emergency!

We're jumping on this right now because we've got our feet hot for Jesus!

Pastor Deacon Fred explained to churchgoers that the town council agreed that the most efficient way to protect Christian citizens from the pig pandemic is to follow God's instructions in the Holy Bible for ridding the world of filth. "God killed sinners in all sorts of different ways, but time and time again - He always goes back to drowning," said Pastor. "He used the Great Flood, to slaughter everyone on the planet. And His own Son, Jesus took a cue from his Daddy's most effective way to kill when he sent a herd of demon possessed pigs off a cliff into a lake to drown," he continued. "Call it a fetish. Call it waterboarding-gone-wild. Whatever! I call it effective! We believe that by following God's tips from the Bible on how to drown people and animals whom God can't stand will honor His Holy Name. The only thing I worry about," Pastor continued, "is that Jesus will get ticked off and say, 'they stole Our idea!"

Residents of Freehold Iowa are encouraged to bring their children out to Landover Lake on Saturday afternoon when the hogs start arriving and are placed into the holding farm alongside the Mexicans and dropped, one by one, into a 1,000 foot mine shaft out by the salt pits. "When we're all done," said Pastor Deacon Fred, "the volunteer fire department will flood the shaft with lake water, and we'll gather round for a hymn sing! So please bring the whole family out for an afternoon of Christian fellowship, an old fashioned non-pork barbecue, and to see our new $800K Big Crane loading and dropping day laborers and hogs into the mine shaft for the whole day! It will truly be a sight to behold!

And, on a brighter note, folks in town will be happy to hear that all the ATMs in Freehold
will no longer pester everyone with that stupid, time-consuming question
about whether we speak Spanish!

Because starting Saturday, nobody in town will!


_______________
__
'S'

[/center][/b]

[Spider]

Why is Michelle Obama So Pretty,
When Most Colored Women Are So Ugly?

Dear Pastor,

I am from the 6th grade and attend a secular school in Freehold, Iowa. Our family are members of Landover Baptist, so I get persecuted on a daily basis. I am forced to sit in classrooms with minorities. We have Orientals, Coloreds, and several Mexicans. I even sit next to a Negro girl in 5th period!

My teacher, Mrs. Bennings has a picture of Michelle Obama on her wall, and the black girls bow to it and cross themselves before class each day. I admit that it is a very pretty photo, and can see why the colored girls want to look like her because they are all so ugly. I think Michelle Obama is very pretty except that her teeth are very big and don't seem to fit right into her little mouth. Maybe she has too many teeth, and that is why there is also something weird going on with her chin and cheek bones.

Pastor, I've seen lots of black women before, and they are all ugly. My Dad traveled to Des Moines once and saw even more! He says the the ugliest one still by far is Shwanda, our cleaning lady. So, I asked my parents about why Michelle Obama is so pretty when most colored women are so ugly. My parents got into a big arguement and sent me to my room. Later that night, when they came to say bed-time prayers with me, they told me that "Michelle Obama isn't pretty at all, and that I shouldn't go around saying things like that, now bow your head and shut your eyes and ask Jesus to forgive you."

Pastor, please don't tell my parents, but I am still struggling with this whole thing. I think Michelle Obama is pretty, and it seems most people do. How can Michelle Obama be so pretty when most colored women are so ugly?

Royce Deterding
Age 12
Freehold Secular Elementary School, Freehold, Iowa

> Dear Royce,

God bless you boy, and thank you so much for your question.

Son, in order to understand why lots of normal folks find the First Lady, Michelle Obama attractive, you need to dig up some of the dirt under her Family Weeds. She doesn't have a Family Tree, like you and me. And you'll see why, shortly.

Royce, Michelle's last name is "Robinson." And if you go back a generation or two, you will find that the Robinsons were white folks. Just as white as you and me! The Robinson family had a reputation for sluttery. By this, I mean the sons, daughters, fathers and mothers long before Michelle Robinson was born were sleeping around with other races, mostly their hired help. The woman you find so attractive, Michelle Obama, is only thus because she is the by-product of sinful inter-race mingling.

So, Royce - understand the reason why so many folks find Michelle Obama pretty while they wouldn't bat an eye at any other colored gal, is because the First Lady has a lot of white in her. But as you noted, some things are a little off - like the size of her teeth, and her chin and jaw-line are askew. Her legs also look like something out of a Ritchy Rich comic book, but thank Jesus your precious eyes have been saved from seeing those! These slightly deformed features peppered upon the flesh and bones of who out of obligation to the Nation we call, "The First Lady," were put there by God to remind True Christians™ that Michelle Obama is the by-product of sinful relations. Relations Scripture refers to as, "unequal yoking."

"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hat righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light (white) with darkness? (black)"
- II Corinthians 6:14

I pray sincerely as an ordained minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ that I have helped you understand how to think correctly.

Pastor Deacon Fred
Landover Baptist Church

PS: Please note that under Landover Baptist Church Regulation 22b-17 of the Child Rearing Bylaw, I called your parents immediately after receiving your letter. They will be taking out a third mortgage on their home this summer and you will be transferred out of that godless secular school into the Landover Baptist Academy next Fall.

__________
__
'S'

[/b][/color]

[Spider]

Pastor Deacon Fred is upset with
Disney's new movie

Landover Baptist's Pastor Deacon Fred explains how
Disney PIXAR's movie, "Up," sugarcoats pedophilia.

"If the sight of an old man with balloons in a confined space,
alone with a little boy doesn't raise every
anointed hair on your Godly neck,
then you need to check yourself
into a Baptist Mental Hospital!

Watching Disney's movie, "Up"
will send you "Down" to Hell!

- clic pic -

__
'S'

[Spider]

Home Based Christian Business Opportunity!
Sissy Kits™, Inc.



"Opening up a world of hurt, meant only to heal"
Providing Christian Parents With De-Sissification Tools Since 1909

Our Ad Below (As Seen In Over 200 National Newspapers)

[/color]




Sissy Kits™[/center]

Mission Statement:

.. "We are a 100% American Christian company, developed under constant and direct guidance from our CFO, the Lord Jesus Christ from his office in Heaven. Several prominent Pastors along with Freeholders Against Gay Schooling™ were blessed with a fabulously divine vision during a church potluck dinner over 100 years ago.

Our chilling concerns over the "Modernization of the American Family" led us to a very lengthy prayer. The result of that historic prayer (answered by God just yesterday) culminated in what we believe to be America's first "Home Based Business," Christian or otherwise!

Sissy Kits™ is and always will be (Lord willing) Baptist owned and operated since 1909. We were instructed by our living maker, Jesus Christ to develop a single package of tools to assist parents in the process of De-Sissification.

If you are interested in participating in our newly ramped up bulk e-mail spam ministry, please contact us at the address below.

Sissy Kits™
Christian Business Partnership Request
218 Soulwinner's Court Warehouse
Freehold, Iowa 89654

If you or your family has a suspected pre-sodomite, please send a certified check in the amount of $149.00 + $473 processing and shipping fees to the following address:

Sissy Kits™
Discipline Starter Kit Request
218 Soulwinner's Court Warehouse
Freehold, Iowa 89654

*Note: The tools you see in our advertisement above are included in the updated 2009 version of Sissy Kits™. If you'd like to see earlier versions of Sissy Kits™ please watch the Antiques Road Show on PBS as it comes to Freehold, Iowa during the last week of October, 2009.

_________
__
'S'

[/size][/b][/center]

[Spider]

( An old promo video for )
( 'Magdalene Manor's Faith-Flirters Retreat' )

'How To Be A Player'

[/size]
~ GOD'S WAY ~[/b][/size][/color]
- Clic Pic -

_____________________
__
'S'
[/center]

[Spider]

from http://www.bettybowers.com 

 Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian
 

'Explains Traditional Marriage to Everyone Else'

Betty takes time to explain to less informed Christians

the curious details of the Lord's concept of marriage.

[Spider]

Mrs. Betty Bowers |America's Best Christian | Oct 28, 2014 

What's Scarier than Halloween?

The Bible!

America’s Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers,
knows that Halloween’s pagan gore can’t
match the scary, spooky Bible when
it comes to the truly horrifying ...